First subway commute in 11 days was unpleasant, to say the least. Stomach contents almost spilled onto Metropolitan Avenue due to the combination of high humidity and no trash pickup on holidays. Work excruciating. Not enough energy for verbs. Attempt to absorb full week's worth of Gawker, The Onion, Pitchfork, The Black Table, The New York Times, and The Village Voice led to general disorientation and agitation. My body is confused. Why, it wonders, have I not yet been fed a cocktail? It is after noon! I should have had a refreshing cocktail by now, it insists. And my beautiful tan has dissipated in a mere 48 hours.
Man was not meant to live like this. Have you ever taken a moment to actually look at Brooklyn?
Thoughts like these are a symptom of what experts refer to as Urban Shock Syndrome, or USS (also known as Vacation Termination Anxiety). Recommended treatment includes a gradual weaning from afternoon cocktail consumption, increased exposure to sunlight (as permitted by thick filth-haze in the air), and frequent ingestion of deep-fried coconut shrimp. Patient will gradually come to accept the wretched state of urban life and skin will return to a more natural bluish-white. Failure to treat these symptoms can lead to a more serious condition known as Tropical Denial Syndrome. Symptoms include a sudden ability to tolerate the music of Jimmy Buffet and an increasing desire to purchase Teva sandals.
No comments:
Post a Comment